Usually it is met with tears, anger and fear. Every time I visit the toilet or feel a sensation, panic sets in. This month I wasn’t going to be caught out. I wasn’t going to let my brain fool me into thinking I was pregnant again. I’ve had 2 phantom pregnancies since my losses and you literally feel as though you are losing your mind. Because PMS and early pregnancy symptoms are so alike, it’s easy to get the two confused based on the desperate need and overwhelming longing for a baby! This time I was determined to not be fooled. So I tracked my symptoms and tuned in without thinking ‘I could be pregnant’. Yet it was very possible based on regularity and timing, but wouldn’t it be better to be surprised instead of disappointed?
The last week my boobs have swelled, I’ve had a lot of tummy pain and bloating. I looked 10 weeks pregnant on Monday! (The downside to having had a pregnancy is that the uterus swells back to a similar size every month- a painful reminder). This time I told myself that it was ‘aunty flo’ and expected it. So therefore today when she paid a ‘visit’ I wasn’t too upset or surprised. Yes it’s crap but at least my head is listening to my body now. At least I can figure it all out again. At least I am regular and at least I can (well based on previous attempts) I can get pregnant. It just needs to happen again and stick!
We’re at the 6 month mark now 😦
The longest of stretches, but there is nothing medically we can do until it’s another 6 months! So we wait.
I’m now focusing my attention to planning 2017 in absence of a baby (unless it happens in the next 2 months I am unlikely to give birth this year!) We have a city break booked for our 3rd wedding anniversary which should be fun and hopefully if money allows we can go away in the summer too, somewhere hot! My focus is starting to shift now to trying to be happy regardless. It’s always hard, as I feel so ‘behind’. People don’t realise that at almost 33 yrs old I should have a 9 month old. But all they see is ‘just us 2’. I try and rationalise that in many ways nothings changed (I know that’s a lie but it helps me). So I try to erase the past year and imagine I am 31 again and just trying to conceive for the first time. I am naive, I am hopeful.